Canada ties Canada, declared unbeatable in Olympics

After watching two scrimmaging Team Canadas scrimmage at the Saddledome last week, Canadian hockey fans declared their team to be the favourite heading into the 2010 Olympic hockey tournament in Vancouver next February.

“Did you see Martin St. Louis go around Scott Niedermayer?” One fan asked after the game. “There’s no stopping us come Vancouver!”

Said another fan: “Team Canada totally outclassed the other side. If they play like they did today, we’ll totally score on Switzerland next year!”

He then whooped and shotgunned a Pilsner.

Everyone at the game saw something they liked, whether it was the strong defence, or the way the forwards at times blazed around flat-footed defencemen. The goalies looked strong, until they were scored upon and the coaches looked trim in their suits.

All in all, said one observer, the scene was reassuring to Canadian hockey fans still reeling from the disappointment of the Turin Olympics.

“If the scrimmage was any indication, this team can score and prevent the other team from scoring. They can check and avoid checkers. And they can beat the world’s best goalies while the world’s best goalies are able to stop the world’s best shooters.”

Newfoundlanders sad to see Hurricane Bill go

The people of Newfoundland are waving goodbye to the province’s latestemigrant: Hurricane Bill.

Bill left the island after he found it impossible to find work.

“There just aren’t that many job opportunities for a tropical storm or hurricane here,” he said, as he swept out to sea. “Sure, I got a couple of interviews but I could never understand what the bloody people were saying.”

Locals were sad to see Bill go.

“The only time we get any attention is when we get hit by a killer storm or our Premier goes batshit again,” said a local unemployed fisherman. “Sure storms like Bill are a nuisance, but they’re an entertaining nuisance, like a crazy racist uncle who doesn’t realize how inappropriate everything he says is.”

Miss Venezuela accused of doping

Controversy continues to swirl around this year’s Miss Universe pageant after fellow contestants accused the winner, Miss Venezuela, of taking performance-enhancing substances prior to the competition.

“I, like, totally saw her taking a diet pill,” said one contestant who didn’t want to be named.

Another contestant said she saw Miss Venezuela swigging Coca-Cola Zero, “like a depressed housewife from the 1950s swills wine.”

There has been no comment from the Venezuelan’s camp, except to note that, “without surgery and pills, we’d all look, like, normal.”

Venezuelan contestants have won the title of Miss Universe six times since 1952, but there have long been rumors that the contestants use performance-enhancing drugs. However, the definition of what drugs are illegal has changed over the years, sometimes at the random whim of the competition’s organizers. In the 1950s, hair spray was outlawed after the greaser look became popular among folks who had tired of saying “snazzy” and “swell.” In the 1960s, while most of the known world was high on LSD and dreaming of floating sloths playing cricket on Mars, the pageant outlawed coffee. The official reason was because the drink “compromised competitors lasting beauty by staining teeth brown.” However, some still believe that one of the judges was sick of having to wipe rings off the glass table in the green room.

In the 1980s and 90s the pageant banned the use of crystal methamphetamine because  an elderly jewelry sponsor was worried that some competitors were wearing unsponsored tiara. But while the meth ban was lifted at the beginning of the decade, diet medications were banned. A long-time pageant watcher says the ban was introduced ” to create a sense of danger and drama in the normally stolid world of competitive pageantry.”

Stephen Harper “robot impersonator” refused entry to Canada

Canadian border officials  scrambled Wednesday to determine if a man attempting to enter the country from Latin America was, as he claimed, the prime minister of Canada. Border officials initially rejected Prime Minister Stepher Harper’s passport as an “obvious fake.” They said the man at the border was clearly a robot impersonator built by Panamian rebels unhappy with the recent free trade deal between the two countries.

“When he arrived at the station, he only seemed capable of displaying two or three facial expressions,” said one border guard. “It seemed like the prime minister, but then he smiled – a real smile, at that – which surprised us and put us on high alert.”

However Harper apparently mellowed out and showed little reaction when border guards told him they were detaining him on suspicion of him being a robot.

“I think he must be asked questions like that a lot,” said the border guard.

Eventually Harper was released after providing blood, urine, DNA and semen samples. Still CSIS is reportedly trailing the so-called Harper and a bug has been placed on his car.

“The Canadian public can rest assured that we’re keeping an eye on him and we’ll know right away if the supposed Harper turns into a man-eating cyborg.”

The Prime Minister has yet to speak to the media about the issue, although his staff said that they’re called to prove the humanity of their boss “at least once or twice a month.”

NDP considers shortening name, hiring rock musician

Andrew W.K.'s party-centric songs would be perfect for a renamed NDP

The New Democratic Party, long the whipping boy of federal politics, is considering changing its name to better appeal to voters. The party is considering dropping the words “New” and “Democratic,”  a move analysts predict could help the lefties bolster its appeal among motorcycle gangs and liquor vendors.

“Changing the name to The Party would certainly help broaden the party’s appeal among ecstasy users, rave organizers and skullet-wearing gang members, demographics that have traditionally either not voted or voted using the dreaded eenie-meenie-miny-moe tactic,” a political strategist told The Mole. He added that the move would help consolidate the NDP’s traditional strength among college students.

But the greatest electoral gain from the name change could come from the prestigious group of voters who yell “Party On!” or “Yeeeeaaaaaah!” when drinking.

“That demographic is hugely important,” said the strategist. “They tend to skew toward fringe parties with names they can later brag about having voted for.” The strategist said that if the NDP can grab that vocal demographic they may be able to make inroads among the larger group of people who slightly raise their arms while at a concert.

The proposed name change was greeted with loud shouts of “Hell yeah!” when floated at a recent informal gathering of sometimes voters.

“Imagine the slogans we could come up with!” said one party member during a break in a game of beer pong. “We’ll party ’til we puke!” he screamed, before downing a plastic cup full of Red Stripe beer.

Party ’til they puke, indeed.

Supporters of the name change are reportedly in licensing talks with Andrew W.K., whose songs include Party til you Puke, Party Hard, It’s Time To Party, Long Live The Party, Dance Party and Big Party.

The name would also come with ready-made slogans such as “Welcome to the party,” “The party is just getting started,” the aforementioned “Party on” and, of course, “Party hearty.”

Other name considered

Other NDP members are proposing an alternate name change, however. With voters less and less satisfied with political parties, their leaders and voting in general, some are pitching the name, “The New.” But while some are enthusiastic about the public’s willing to try new foods, fashion styles, technology devices and sexual positions, there are concers.

“The public is, by and large, resistant to change,” said one prominent political figure. “They’d cut off their eyelids rather than change their brand of toilet paper. And look what happens every two months when Facebook changes its design! Anger, hatred and bile come spewing forth and while corporations may be fine with that, a political party must engender love and devotion.”

Certain grammarians have also protested the name, noting that such a name wouldn’t include a noun, which has so far been pretty much a requirement. When asked about this problem, one member said, “Exactly.” And then, returning to the ongoing game of beer pong, the member bounced a ping pong into the lone remaining plastic cup, raised his arms in the air and shouted “The Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww.”